How to successfully have an Honest and Difficult Conversation with African Parents

Mindlessly scrolling through the “inner net,” I stumbled upon this lady talking about moving in with a sibling and parent and this idea of multigenerational living.

 It took me back to a conversation with friends, all Africans, coming to the realization that it’s not just us, the children racking up the years, but our parents too. The grey hairs are sprouting, and the reality is setting in: we’re making some pretty hefty decisions about our parents' care. 

As Africans living in the diaspora, this can feel like an anxiety-laden, uphill battle. The dream of thriving through community and connection seems like a distant memory when you’re thousands of miles away from home.  In many parts of Africa, it is not uncommon to have families living together including multiple generations in one compound, one building or perhaps in the same neighborhood.  

Traditionally, African families have always leaned on each other for support. However, it's dawning on alot of us living in the diaspora that moving back home to Africa just yet is not in the cards. However, the reality for most of us in North America with full time jobs, families and or businesses to run is we don't have the luxury of drivers, housekeepers, nannies, chefs, house helps or enough rooms with a compound which is common in many parts of Africa.  

Even where one does have the luxury, it comes with a weighty price tag. 

We are gradually coming to the realization that it is inevitable - the thought of viable senior living options to consider is creeping into our minds. 

What does this mean for staying connected to our aging loved ones?

 Let's be real—no one wants to dehumanize the care of our loved ones in a foreign land. But there are ways to navigate this daunting terrain while keeping our loved ones engaged and well-cared for even if it is from a distance.

Yes, it’s a big shift from the cozy retirement we’d envisioned for our parents where they would still be able to go to the mid-week service at the church where their children attended Sunday school. 

Although, relocating our parents to North America makes it easier because they are near(er) to their adult children, family members or and caretakers, what is the way forward when our aging loved ones make the decision to stay  put at home and not relocate?
 - Simple and plain - adults that choose to "age in place” — stay in their own homes as they get older.

At a minimum certain conversations need to take place before, during and after these arrangements have been made. Here are some helpful tips from Where you Live Matters.

Tips for a Better Conversation About Senior Care

Once you learn more and feel you can confidently explain the options, following these tips can help you have a productive conversation:

• Have the conversation as early as possible. Rather than waiting for a health crisis to force the issue, tackling this difficult decision early can help all of you reach a decision and start planning with much less pressure.

• Talk in person, if possible. If you can be together to have a face-to-face conversation, great. If not, set up a video call so you can at least see each other during the discussion. Try to arrange a time when you and your parent are well rested and relaxed. Block out a time and a location where you can talk without interruption.

• Listen, listen, listen. Your loved one may have anxieties, concerns and objections about moving from their home and into a retirement community. Don’t minimize those feelings. It’s important to acknowledge them and continue to ask questions so you can better understand their reservations. This will make it clear that you will respect their wishes.

• Empathy, not sympathy. No older adult wants their adult child to feel sorry for them. But empathy is another matter. Your kind, calm voice and demeanor will show you care — and that you’re trying to understand the fears and frustrations they may feel. The idea of accepting in-home care or moving to assisted living is tough. You begin to help as soon as you really begin to listen.

• Don’t rush. Once you’re armed with knowledge, you may feel ready to make a decision. But your parents may need more time. Allow them the time they need to find the words to express how they’re feeling. Coming to an unpressured mutual agreement now will continue to pay dividends as you move forward together.

• Plan to talk again. And again. As much as you might want to wrap things up in one conversation, the reality is this will likely be a series of talks. Unless your aging family member is in imminent danger, that’s OK. It’s a process, not a once-and-done discussion.

  (Source: whereyoulivematters.com)

 By embracing the new reality of the situation, we can ensure our aging parents and loved ones feel cherished and respected, even from afar. After all, they raised us to be resilient, and now it’s our turn to show them  just how we can come through for them.

For some more helpful tips for Africans in the diaspora, check out Loving from a distance

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